Now it all started thirty seven Thanksgivings ago, was on - twenty seven years ago on Christmas, or a Tuesday in March, I forget, when my chimpanzee, Fred and I went up to visit agnes at the
restaurant, but agnes doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in a flying saucer nearby the restaurant, in the janitor's closet, with her chipmunk Ray and
Ronald Reagan the ex-president. And livin' in the janitor's closet like that, they got a lot of room downstairs where the crew used to be in. Havin' all that room, seein' as how they let the crew starve to death years ago, they decided that they didn't have to take out their nuclear waste for a long time.

We got up there, we found all the nuclear waste in there, and we decided it'd be
a friendly gesture for us to take the nuclear waste down to the city Toxic Waste Disposal Site. So we took the half a ton of nuclear waste, balanced it on our heads like wicker baskets, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed
on toward the Toxic Waste Disposal Site.

Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the
Toxic Disposal Site saying, "Closed for Orange Alert." And we had never heard of a Toxic Disposal Site closed for an Orange Alert before, and with tears in our eyes, and some of our hair fallin' out, we drove off into the sunset looking for another place to put the nuclear waste.

We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the cliff there was a third world country, that was full of nuclear waste...

the two women, me being one of them, whose moment of reflection and wonderment had been interupted by a shift in the storm going from thunderbooms and splendid flashes to a crackling hum and a guey green glow, ran to the window with much squinting to see what might be going on,
"did you see that?"
"yeah, i did."
"no, not that." one of us said referring to a naked man (all but for his sneakers) who happened to be jogging, "that."
"that's what i was looking at before, what did you think i was looking at, that naked man or something?"
(long pause for reflection)
"anyway, what do you suppose that's all about?" one of us was heard to have said, when all of a sudden came a dripping wet shout from another room,
"antoinette! there ain't no towels in the bathroom!"
"well, what do you want me to do about it?!"
(long pause for reflection)
"so, is your name antoinette?"
"yes."
"hi, my name's agnes."
"nice to meet you."
"ditto...so like, what do you suppose is happening out there?"
"one never knows around these parts...although there does seem to be a certain familiar ring to it."
"i know what you mean, something like, 'hmmm-hmmm-hmm-hm-huh-hmm-hmm-hmm-at-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hm-hm'"
"yeah."
so the two women (one of whom was me) proceeded then to put to use some old cameras they had lying around there using up much film, and also taking down notes for posterity...

as agnes looked through the lens of the camera, she thought of how the scene reminded her of her old neighborhood...a pretty happy-go-lucky place if one could stay out of harms way, almost like dancing. a lot had happened between that time and now which filled her with a sense of sadness and detachment. she turned to look at antoinette who had been looking at agnes whose finger had been poised for several minutes over the shutter button.

antoinette was a thin woman of average height, and like so many others agnes had known, was also a chain smoker. agnes knew it best that she not allow herself to take up smoking. she knew every cigarette would be red hot from start to finish and each carton of cigarettes a mission.

agnes didn't just look at antoinette, she struggled to look deep into her as though something were just out of reach. much of her memory seemed made up of snap shots constantly being rearranged to try and make a whole story. for now however, she would wing it.

she was just about to bring up the subject of native american flute music when she noticed a little man who reminded her of danny devito, about two foot high, wearing brown clothes and bells, leaving a trail of sparkly dust wherever he went, hop up onto the table next to where she stood and wave to her to "come on!".
her face lit right up, when again he waved, "come on!" and hopped off the table onto the floor and straight out the doggy door. agnes turned quickly toward antoinette with every indication of wanting to follow the little man written all over her face and was implored to, "well? go ahead dammit!" and was sent off with a smile and an invitation to "please come back and visit!".

for a little feller he made good time and was showing no signs of slowing down.
"wait up you little twerp!" but he kept running till he came to the top of a hill and jumped with both arms held high over his head.

"why so dramatic?" agnes wondered, and hauled herself up to the edge of the world to try and see where the little man had gone. nowhere. the little man had jumped into oblivion. disappointed, she stood up to turn back when unexpectedly, as you might have imagined, the little man rushed her from behind pushing her over the side and then jumped himself. they were falling fast. agnes grabbed hold of the little man to try and strangle him, but the little man fought back. that combined with falling at a high rate of speed rendered both their efforts useless, reduced to a failure of a slap fight, when abruptly they landed in a heap on a mystifyingly soft surface. followed by a last ditch effort swing from agnes to try and punch the little man, only to have him duck it, which sent agnes rolling onto a wooden floor, to look up and find antoinette where she'd last left her, but with a hand reached down to help her up.

...at the moment, agnes wasn't sure that she wanted to take antoinette's hand. while watching antoinette's eyes, she got up on her own.

"you can trust me." antoinette offered, and agnes wanted to trust her, but for now would try not to allow her desires to get in the way of her awareness. and right now she needed plenty of room to see. at times she had a tendency to overlook an awful lot all in the name of trust and the desire to believe, which had led her down some pretty strange paths, believing in things that were not true. not that she had any regrets, only divine discontent in the realization that what she had believed in was not, after-all, so.

"it could have been great," she thought to herself, "if only it were true." for it seemed to agnes as though none of it had been.

for all that, there had been times when she followed her heart completely, and despite appearances and the ensuing mass hysteria, is fully convinced she was right in doing so.

truth has always been subject to scrutiny, true enough, but only in debates. plain and simple however, what is true is true, and what isn't, isn't.
she decided during her self-communion, that she would try to remain aware, no matter how difficult the task. especially with all the little people running around all the time wearing their "merry-man" hats. it was hard not to run right along side them.

agnes had turned her attention to some french paperweights that had been arranged along a window sill, the way the light shone through them and their beautiful encapsulated 3D effect, when through the window noticed a woman with the reddest hair she'd ever seen, wearing a shimmery green gown and golden shoes, and with sparks at her finger tips.

agnes clapped both her hands over her mouth in an attempt to hide an erupting smile, then moving them away enough to speak, leaned to antoinette and in a whisper asked, "do you see that?"
agnes took antoinette's "telling" smile as a yes and after tapping at the window and waving, went and threw the door wide open and ran out to try and catch up to her.
as she pulled up along side the woman, the woman turned to her and remarked, "it must seem strange telling stories about one's self, and in the third person."
"let me tell you, it is." agnes responded, wondering what other insightful tidbits the mysterious enchantress might have to offer without their ever having been properly introduced...

the two had walked on quietly for a ways and agnes began to wonder if it was her turn to say something, or what? there was really nothing she wanted to say at the moment and was enjoying the scenery and the strange and wonderful energy the woman seemed to have, but wondered if it was her duty to say something for the sake of proper etiquette.

"i've never seen you around here before." agnes offered, knowing full well she hadn't seen anyone she'd seen recently, around anywhere before, and so added, "where are we going?"

the woman responded, only by glancing sideways at her.

this left agnes wondering to herself why she ever bothered trying to decipher any regional or individual codes of etiquette, reasoning then, that there must be a lesson in there somewhere. out of sheer curiosity however, she wondered what the woman's name was, when the woman said in a seeming sudden burst of interest,
"you haven't even told me your name."

agnes looked skeptically at the woman and was promptly whacked on the head from the other direction and turned to find a person in a hooded friar's robe, holding a rolled up proclamation parchment and looking straight off into the distance as though to proclaim his or her complete irrelevance.

"perhaps there was an insect flying near my head and the stranger was only trying to sweep it away from me, and accidentally hit me on the head instead?" agnes thought stupidly to herself for the sake of pointless theorizing.
when it appeared safe to do so, agnes turned her attention back to the woman, and watched as the entire sky behind her became a crimson red, framing the woman's hair and face beautifully, and creating the appearance of a gigantic tapestry unrolling in place of the natural world, and then watched as it all went back again.
followed then by another whack to the head. agnes turned quickly to the "friar" and shot a look to convey what words could not, while the friar maintained an irrelevant attitude, continuing onward unsympathetically.

"what is up with you?!" agnes growled, and the "friar" responded thusly,

"i am here fighting the good fight, and in the name of what is right and good, i am doing what is good and fine. you would have known that if you weren't so stupid." finishing off as flattly as how he or she had begun.

"well in that case, let me help you. but first, take off your hood so that i will know who i will be fighting alongside." agnes said, barely able to contain her excitement.

the friar removed the hood from over her head and introduced herself as,
"grendalynn. and what is the name of the person i will be fighting alongside, then?"

"my name is agnes," agnes replied, happy in the thought that she might actually be making some progress in a positive direction...

"hey, look!" agnes pointed, "it's the alphonse mucha lady!"

grendalynn looked, "you mean, the zodiac lady?"

"no..." said an exasperated agnes.

you mean the cigareette papers lady?" grendalynn wondered still.

"no, no! the chocolate sampler lady, salmagundi!" agnes thundered, "can we go meet her?"

"no, i don't think so..." grendalynn stated soundly.

"okay then, i will. you wait here." agnes said as she ran to greet salmagundi, while grendalynn, with much fearlessness, trailed not far behind as it would turn out.

"salmagundi!" agnes called out, and as the woman turned, agnes stared with the subtlety of a screech owl, for the crystals the woman wore in her headdress here and there had agnes utterly hypnotized.

"i'll trade you something for one of your crystals," agnes offered in a semi-sub conscious tone.

salmagundi was intrigued with agnes' behavior, as she was used to a more rigid bowing down at her feet from most strangers she had met, as though they had mistaken her for someone or something far greater than themselves.
"well, what would you have to trade?" asked salmagundi.

agnes searched herself and remembered the satchel she'd had strapped over her shoulder for some time now, "i have this bag-o-hemp bag...and inside, a pot of tea brewing...a gift from a shaolin priest. would you like a cup?"

salmagundi agreed to the trade and pulled one of the crystals from her crown, and with a piece of silver wire, wrapped it so as to be worn by agnes as a pendant.

agnes pulled from her satchel a steamimg cup of tea and offered it in trade...salmagundi obliged and offered some to agnes.
"no thanks, " agnes said, "i have this..." as she opened her hand to reveal a small brilliant blue ball of light which she held to her forehead and hence began thinking deep thoughts.
grendalynn looked on skeptically at the two of them as though she herself were the only sane one in the lot...

in a moment of inspiration, salmagundi stood (and how marvelous in all her splendor, agnes could not take her eyes off her) and said, "come, follow me.."
agnes was already to her feet, "come on!" she said while dragging grendalynn along with her.

soon they arrived at an enormous glass mushroom, with a spiraling blue staircase going up through the stem. throughout the smooth glass cap were many stained glass windows, creating a carnival of color.

"oh...i knew it..." grendalynn mumbled gloomily.

"come on!" agnes said, as an oversized glass door began to open, slowly revealing the little man in the brown suit, wearing bells..."it's you!" blasted agnes haltingly, "what are you doing here?!"

"well of course it's me, and where else would i be, but right here right now." snorted the smug little man facetiously.

agnes was not amused, "go away!" she said, and to boot, tried to boot him with her kicking boot.

"i'm here because of you." he said, staying just out of reach of her foot, "i'm your unwillingness to believe that i'm an idiot. you would much rather doubt yourself than to believe that i'm an idiot."

"you're an idiot!" agnes spewed, "now go away!"

the next thing agnes knew, grendalynn was shaking her soundly while salmagundi looked on smilingly, "not so rough, " she said to grendalynn, "it's really not necessary."

after a moment, grendalynn leaned in toward salmagundi and asked confidentially, "are you really the salmagundi of whom agnes speaks?" and salmagundi leaned in like toward grendalynn, moving her eyebrows up and down several times as to indicate complete non-cooperation...

grendalynn became suspicious of salmagundi, if that was indeed her name, and of agnes who had it seemed, become fond of salmagundi. but the real pisser was that salmagundi seemed to genuinely care about agnes.

"and why should she?" wondered grendalynn as her mind wandered wildly over all sorts of possible scenarios.

"...after all, what great things has she done? anything? anything at all? i have after all, performed many great deeds, have fought many great fights in the name of all that is right...she on the other hand seems to do nothing but daydream! look at her!" (grendalynn holds both hands in front of agnes' eyes, snapping her fingers) "...not so much as a flinch!"

despite outward signs, agnes was fully aware of her surroundings, and no less of grendalynn's snapping fingers. it was more of the same.

from the corner of her eye, agnes turned a glance toward salmagundi, whose eyes conveyed complete understanding and whose smile conveyed total acceptance. agnes felt she had nothing to prove. neither innocence nor guilt. she was free to be herself. she reached her arms around salmagundi in an embrace.
to salmagundi, it was perfectly natural (a little off the wall, but natural nonetheless) and she responded in kind. to grendalynn, it was disgusting.

"what is she doing?! obviously she's insane! or worse!" grendalynn could see it no other way.

agnes didn't care about any of the ranting. she knew only that the moment was something precious, and none of the nearby raving would cheapen it...

salmagundi then looked to grendalynn and very deliberately reached deep into the shoulder bag that had been hidden under an outer garment and pulled from it a strand of turquoise beads she'd picked up in atlantis.

"here," salmagundi said to her, "wear this, it will remind you of your strength."

at that moment, grendalynn accepted the gift...making the moments just before seem disjunct, and yet relevant in every way to the gift...

"okay...i accept it, but i still think you're weird, agnes!!"

"well, look who's talking..." agnes replied, thinking this as more of a joke...as something she'd remembered a friend saying to her when she'd made such accusations.

grendalynn clenched her teeth and clutched at her necklace for strength...

<center><FONT COLOR="#000080">--- Edited 1 times, lastly by agnes on Jul 23, 2004 ---</FONT></center>

...before long, agnes could see just ahead an open air market with rows of awnings and aisles of colorful produce arranged in crates.
"let's go over there..." agnes mumbled while making her way over. as she threaded her way through the crowd and looked around, "special occasion" seemed written all over everyone's faces and was rubbing off on agnes as she worked her way over to a basket of fresh garlic.
she conjured a smile and looked toward salmagundi who was still close by and confided, "i've been feeling a tad out-of-sorts lately..." and then picked from the bushel of garlic a nice firm bulb and after buying it with a few jingle bells and a marble, began eating it like an apple. even salmagundi took note of this, while grendalynn stood away pretending not to know either one of them.
"wow!" salmagundi was breathless.
agnes explained, "sometimes, when i feel like &*^% i like to binge on garlic. at some point one starts to feel euphoric..."
"...and no doubt, one begins to find out who ones true friends really are." salmagundi pointed out on the brink of laughter and tears.
agnes smiled stupidly, as all the garlic she had just eaten had left her feeling daft and looking every bit the part.
meanwhile, grendalynn had scoped the place and picked up some fresh basil, a few tomatoes and a bit more garlic, and then meeting back with salmagundi and agnes thundered, "well, we might as well make a night of it." and in a semi-huff joined the other two and after a few incantations,
"transporter room, have you a fix on us?"
"you are so there."
"ok, cool." the three of them were back at the restaurant bustling with life, drinks and a complimentary fist fight...

<center><FONT COLOR="#000080">--- Edited 1 times, lastly by agnes on Aug 19, 2004 ---</FONT></center>

"Howdy! I was wondering if I could get a roast beast sandwich, an order of zee uhn-yuhn rings and a cold Jones to go then eh," asked the stranger than life if it was only fiction before prose.
"Am I hearing voices or do I just imagine them," queried Agnes in her usual delightful yet straightforward manner.

"Well now, that all deep ends on what that little fella over there is willing to put up with," opined salmagundi.

It's going to be one of those days one of these days thought Agnes to herself as she smiled secretly at the jelly donut on the plate before her. And you know, it was.....

ron!!!!! i've missed you so...
on a recent radio program they were talking about the jones' sodi-pops and i got all fahrklempt...(hey, if it weren't for arnie, i wouldn't even know how to spell, fahrklempt!!)

...so that's one bessie stacked, a jones fifty five special and a square-dance in the alley geronimo style to go...on the house, eh? (i have no idea what i just said)

The steamy roast beast was a fragrant delight as were zee uhn-yuhn reens to the stranger's nostrils.

"Why, I am much obliged at the free eats, but I insist - I would like to pay for vittles," coughed the stranger confidently.

"Naww," replied Agnes. "This is my joint ya know, and, well, I'm feeling magnanimous at the moment and would like this meal to be a treat for you and for many more to come." (She had no idea what magnanimous meant, but was sure it fit well into the sentence.)

"By the way, what flavor of Jones would you like?"

"I'll take a Pineapple Upside Down, if you've got some. If not a good old Root Beer would fit the bill," he responded sheepishly.

"One Jones PUD comin' up!!!" yelled Agnes quietly so as not to disturb the other patrons in their gustation phase of oral enjoyment of the aforementioned vittles, er.... ah.... food.

Placing the soda carefully on the counter in front of the stranger Agnes asked thoughtfully, "So what brings you to these parts?" All of the Sudanese there was a racket over in the corner by the juke box.

One of the wait staph dropped and coupla cuppas. agnes just laughed a delightful laugh - you know the kind when the twinkle in her eye lights up and her head goes back a bit as the laugh comes from deep down and just rolls out into the air around you?

"Well, in answer to your query, I was feeling a bit peckish, saw your sign and figured it sounded good and so I dropped in the out door indoors and what a surprise to be here and all that, but I digest," sneezed Ron with a mouthful of roast beast sandwich and, dang it you know what happens when you sneeze with a mouthful of toast least hand twitch. Luckily Ron turned away at just...the...right...moment and with one deft move brought the napkin into play at just...that...right...moment. a close calling all cars there in a rubbery residue to the left of the right of way, please bare arms and be prepared to stoop.

"Think I'll play somethin' on the box before this gets too complicated," thought Ron thoughtfully. Sliding on over to the corner he dropped in a quarter to three and punched B16. "Ah, the Ballad of Easy Rider by the Byrds." Upon turning around, he noticed agnes (with the still smile still) and asked, "Shall we do that geronimo thing you mentioned earlier?" To which she replied:

"Boy howdy!!!!!!!"

Ron thought, "I thought we already said howdy, but maybe it's the custom here." So speaking out loud he posited, "Howdy!!!!" And soon everyone was doing that thing they do - the joint was rockin' softly (I mean, afterall, it is a wistful song isn't it?) And a good time was had by Al not to mentioned everyone else which I didn't do as it would take way too much time to do so.

"...and i thought we were talking about onion rings!" laughed agnes pensively, "...this is even better, though..."
it had been a while since agnes actually danced in close proximity to another, and this made her think that ron must be very brave (especially considering how it had frightened larry so...the time she'd burst into boogie while standing a little too close to him, apparently. perhaps it would have been less startling had there been music playing at the time)...

anyways, after the "ballad of ez rider" "i mean easy rider", agnes decided to go over to the juke box and give it a whack, and after a few pops and crackles came another song...
"voices in the sky" by the moody blues.
waaaay off in the corner, ron, salmagundi and agnes had all simultaneously caught mikey tapping one toe to the music, while his eyes rolled watchfully as to keep from being caught dancing, but it was too late, he'd been caught.

the words and melody struck a whimsical chord in agnes and she leaned in front of ron (the stranger) catching his eyes in hers and thrusting a hand before him, unpalmed a weightless sphere, bubble like, and in it, a rose blossom and the two of them watched as it floated up and away...then she held another hand before him...revealing another weightless bubble-like sphere, and in it a dandelion gone to seed, full and round, and releasing it into the atmosphere watched it too, as it floated up and away. ron could see the joy agnes had in both and how it seemed almost as though she had forgotten for the moment, about everyone and everything else.

but despite the randomness, he knew better...

"Things are not as they seem," spoke someone ominously.

"Did you hear that?" asked Robbie as everyone - and I mean EVERYONE - paused to listen. "Man this is sure stirrin' up some ghosts for me."

Agnes had a few more wonderful things up her sleeve and was not afraid to use them. The smile of pure joy poured across her face and she was indeed lost in the moment - fully aware and yet not incumbered.

"Do the bubble again!" shouted Ron in a half awake sort of way as he munched a dee-lish uhn-yuhn reen. "But this time make it a big, soapy bubble full of swirling colors that, well, swirl. And then make it turn into a multi-faceted crystal that throws rainbow light all over the room."

agnes sat dreamily for several minutes before she realized that ron wasn't just telling her a lovely story to be listened to, but had actually made a request...the truth is that to her, his words were like swirls of color...unpredictable and beautiful...but the multi faceted crystal, she had covered. in her memory she had been drawn back to a time when a child younger than herself, had wandered up a flight of stairs and along the way noticed splashes of color throughout the stairwell continuing out the window which framed the morning view on the way to the kitchen....as he continued up the stairs he noticed the door that had always been closed and which always presented such mystery, had been left open. his curiosity piqued, he followed the rainbow stream shining from the entrance, and from the entrance he stood...to go no further, for that would be considered intrusion, and stretching a look around to where the rainbow had come, through plush live greenery to what seemed a small faceted crystal, for all the color...the afternoon sun's dispersal of prismatic color held within a faceted crystal that hung in the window had escaped throughout the hall. he was not disappointed for looking, for it only fueled his fantasies...but to look any further would surely be intrusion and he would be no part of any such thing...
agnes turned to ron and whisking her hand around in the air revealed a sphere of pure crystal, faceted, which turned suspended from her palm. snatching it from the air, she presented it, "for you." she offered.
ron thought this funny as all. he accepted the gift and was soon carried off in thought, where ever that may be, unpredictable guy that he was, could be anywhere, anytime...

<center><FONT COLOR="#000080">--- Edited 2 times, lastly by agnes on Jan 30, 2005 ---</FONT></center>