Here’s a few jokes concerning musicians and the music business. Drummers may substitute bass players in their stead when telling the drummer jokes.

Q: How do you make a million dollars in the music business?
A: Invest three million.

Q: How many lead singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one. But he just holds onto the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: How do you know if a drummer is knocking at your door?
(two answers for this one and you can’t really substitute a bass player in it.)
A: 1.) The knock slows down and then speeds up. Or 2.) He doesn’t know when to come in.

Q: How does a band tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool’s coming out of both sides of the drummer’s mouth.

Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

(It should be obvious by now that the poor drummers are the brunt of most musician jokes. Sorry!)

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car? Took him an hour to get the drummer out!

Okay! Enough on the drum folk!

Q: How do you stop a guitar player from playing?
A: Put sheet music in front of ‘em!

Q: What chord do you hear when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A: A flat miner! (Groan!)
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These three recently deceased guys are waiting to get through the gates to the hereafter. An official-looking dude in a robe, holding a clipboard, stops ‘em and says, “We’re doin’ a survey. Before I let you fellahs in I’ve got a couple of questions to ask ya.”
So, as the first guy steps up the robed dude asks, “How much money do you figure you made in the last year of your life?”
“About $325,000, roughly,” says the first guy.
“Not bad! What’d ya do for a living?”
“Junior corporate executive,” he replies.
“Great! Go ahead in!” says Mr. Clipboard.

The second guy steps up and answers the same questions.
“$470,000!”
“Hey! Pretty good! What’d you do?”
“Plastic surgeon.”
“Terriffic! You may pass!”

Finally, the third guy steps up.
“What’d you make?”
He taps the side of his head with his index finger, thinking.
“Hmmmm! Well, with tips and gratuities, uh, maybe $7000?”
“Swell!” says the robed dude. “What instrument did you play?”

I can only remember on music joke at this moment, but you might not get it; one, it's a classical joke and two, you'd have to be able to speak northen English dialect.


We used to have a dog, we called it Greig.

Why?

Because it used to pee agin't suite.

Ha, ha! That's a good one, Bev! Reminds me of the Benny Hill joke about naming a dog Piano because he was the "Peein'-est"!

i used to love watching benny hill! it was the dumbest thing, but it made me laugh...it hasn't been on tv in years...anyone remember the take off on woodstock? all i remember about it was watching on fast forward some folks running around wielding what i guess were walking sticks...and some music playing that went, "a wood stick, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, wood stick, a yeah, yeah, yeah...." and then there was the ever classic piece of fruit that would land perfectly nestled in someone's cleavage...

Mike has some Benny Hill videos & gets a kick outta waching them. In the early 80's Benny Hill used to come on late at nite on Ch 35 out of Richmond...

Things you will never hear at a music venue:

"Who owns the Rolls Royce, we need it moved"

"Oh, that belongs to the banjo player"